Another Movie That Need To Be Made.

One word.... KICKPUNCHER

Anyone familiar with the US comedy series Community will know what I'm on about. For those that don't watch this genius geek comedy, there is a fictitious movie franchise that exists with the show that some of the cast members watch, that franchise being KICKPUNCHER. The premise is simple, KICKPUNCHER is a police officer who has been cybernetically enhanced, so that his punches have the power of kicks.  He uses his new abilities to fight a syndicate of criminals who are pushing Mega Dope on the streets. That's it. It's definateley not Robocop or Robocop 2, honest. HONEST!.

As much as I want to see the first, I more so want to see the sequel, KICKPUNCHER 2, or to give it it's full and infinitely more awesome title.... KICKPUNCHER... CODE NAME: PUNCHKICKER

It's movies like this that beer and Saturday nights were made for.

Shark Week

The SyFy Channel recently had a surprise hit on their hands with this:

 

I've had the pleasure of watching this and can safely say that it is indeed shit. In the most awesome way possible. Read the reviews on IMDB and there are not many that score it below 10/10/ The acting is dire, the CGI is actually not as bad as you would think for a film of his ilk but is obviously nowhere near Cruises' Oblivion. Hell, this film has even got a classic line... a man is being devoured (off screen) by a shark and you here him say "Ow, Get Off". Genius. My missus hated every minute of this film. I didn't. Alongside a hefty stable of genre shark fodder (Two Headed Shark Attack, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, etc.) this has become a surprise hit, so much so that SyFy are apparently planning a sequel. Which of course has fired up the internets photoshoppers to produce some posters for what they think should be made, and to be honest, I would watch every single one of them.......

 

 

 

Now, as good as all these may be, nothing is going to beat Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus. For two of the most iconic giant shark related scenes ever in the history of giant shark scenes....

 

1. Said Shark takes on the Golden Gate Bridge, and
2. Said Shark leaves the water and brings down a passenger plane 

 

Could these be the most important movies ever made? Maybe. Will I actually get the missus to watch '2 Headed Shark Attack' with me? Gonna go with a NO on that one. What I do know though is I eagerly await to see what shite they come up with next. (and I'm secretly hoping for a space station to be involved!)

 

 

Oooooh Ahhh, Fashion.

I've made a few fashion faux pa's in the past. I've been the owner of a pair of snake print shoes. And white ones. And black Alligator patent ones. I had a pair of black velvet jeans. I was for all intense and purposes a ladies man.

But I don't get this current hipster shit. I understand it's where fashion has ended up for people with no taste and who want to look like twats. I can honestly say that if I ever went out dressed in some of the shit I see around today I would expect to have the shit kicked out of me. Unless I was going to see Frank Turner. Or my personal favourites, Mumford.

Some of you may not know what it's all about, but luckily a friend of mine bought a certain Henry Holland to my attention. Who? Well, he's some proper trendy as trendy can be chutney ferret who's currently in Vogue showing the masses what he's wearing for a whole month. If you can be bothered to suffer 31 days worth then here is where it's at:  http://www.vogue.co.uk/photo-blogs/henry-holland/henry-holland---day-2 ,but for those less inclined I've hand picked a couple of gems:

 

So what have we here... not just any old jeans chopped to make shorts, oh no, they're Ksubi ones!!! Yes, cut offs by someone you've never heard of which means they cost a fucking fortune. A Fendi backpack (one of at least 6 different backpacks by different designers that he owns), again, pricey for a rucksack, so much so I would probably be oFendi'd at the price (oh, stop me, I'm hilarious, etc,etc). Pop this together with a gaudy chunk of leather and you've gotten the 'Casual Friday' look. And to be honest, like a casual Friday I would very much like to fuck off early from looking at this monstrosity of an outfit any further.

 

Anyways, next on the menu we have this.....

 

 

 

Upon going to a garden party he thought he'd try to dress like a garden. Well, he may have tried to look like a garden but has successfully looked like a twat. Again, wearing items by people not stocked at Top Man, I suspect a Wonga.Com loan may not cover that suit. I do like where his head is at with the garden thing though, because like in a garden, I would very much like to plant him deep and throw a fucking conservatory over the top to make sure my eyes didn't have to suffer such sweat shop debacles again.

 

Again, I could go on all day, there are that many fashion items out there at the moment that make my piss itch. But no, for I am busy. I can't waste my time on here ranting about clothes I hate when I can be sourcing my next party outfit:

 

 

 Bitches' Gonna Love Me!!!

Like Farming.... It's Like Farming, But Not As It's Like Farming.

At this point you may be wondering what the fuck I am wittering on about. It's a Facebook thing whereby someone will put up a picture, usually asking for "If I get 1,000,000 likes my wife says I can fuck two 'strange' at the same time and she won't mind" or more recently (and even for me more low down WTF disturbing) using pics of cancer sufferers / people who have beaten cancer with the usual "Like = you have a heart, Share = you care, Ignore = you're evil and don't care".

So, this picture gets 123,456 likes and 23456 shares so the page owner sells the page, usually (apparently, from a bit of googling) from $1000 upwards. Buyer of page rebrands the page for his or her own means but the likes / shares stay in place so you could now be offering one of the free iPads that cannot be sold due to the box being undone but you must like and share the page, so the figures continue to go up and eventually the page gets resold and the "Like Farming" continues.

People fall for this shit on an hourly basis, being sucked in with piss poor sob stories and the promise of untold Apple related riches. To enable me to rip it to fucking pieces, lets have a look at one of the pictures that has recently done the rounds:

So, we have a brave fellow who has saved his 2 kids from an inferno. One tough cookie, you've got to agree. But I call bullshit. Why?........

1. He either cannot feel pain or refuses to as "Muthafucker Don Feel No Pain Ya Feelme!" He's covered in what we're supposed to believe to be serious burns but "Nobody Got Tiiiime For No Hospital". But he does have the time to pose for this pic with his kids.
2. It was obviously a directional fire at only a specific height as his Casio G-Shock in Arctic White is pristine.
3. Who's fucking kitchen is that? It was a blazing fire... but was it only blazing in one room or has he popped into the neighbours? "Wassup Neighbours"
4. His kids seem awfully pleased with what's just happened, so much so that one child is throwing gang signs. "Fuck Daddies Burns.... E-Street Corner Boyz"

Absolute crock of shit. And yes, like the statement, I ignored it because I actually do not fucking care.

Another gem that does the rounds is the Can I Get 1,000,000 Likes" pics. Why 1,000,000? It seems a little greedy... why not 10,000. Anyways, found this one lurking, it's straight to the point with no hidden agenda:

 

No, little girl, no you cannot.

 

 

These pics are everywhere on Facebook, and it still amuses me how many people i know who are on my timeline / newsfeed that actually fall for this shit day in, day out. I could prattle on all day about this but instead I'll leave you with one picture that basically sums it up:

 

 



 

The Breed Of My Seed

Quick 'teaser' movie poster for the impending arrival of the second most important child in the universe (the first obviously being Middleton's Lizard Prince)