Yes, Madeleine McCann, the world Hide & Seek Champion is back in the media spotlight. Oh fucking joy. Is this down to the success story in the USA whereby the American members of Club Fritzl were found after 10 years or is it simply that Maddies parents have spunked all of the fund money and are now a bit brassic? I don't know and quite frankly the mysterious Vietnamese soldier, stuck in a jungle who doesn't yet know the Vietnam War is over would give more of a fuck about this current milking than me. But, lets say she is still alive... where is she and what would she look like. I've looked into this thoroughly using a high end set of protocols input into a dedicated program via an electronic super device capable of accessing all areas of the netpipes, or for the less geeky people out there I've used my computer at work to google some shit.
If she was still alive and in Portugal my theory is she would currently look like this:
I mean, it's warm and sunny in Portugal so why the fuck not?
There have been lots of interpretations of what Maddie may look like now. Nobody has apparently seen her for 6 years so it's all guess work. But using the latest technology I have managed to find what I believe is the closest yet as to what the little spook looks like:
But is she in Portugal? Did Kate & Gerry off her like Joe Pesci in Casino? Or is there a more sinister, dark force at work here? As much as I would (for no apparent reason) like Voodoo and Ninja's to be involved, what if Maddie is not in a basement in Portugal.... what if Maddie is not even on the planet, as new intel just in assumes:
Yes, I'm talking Extra Terrestrials! And I can guarantee if this hot potato of a pic get's into the hands of the television production companies it's only a matter of hours before either Channels 4 or 5 have a 1 hour exclusive on at 8.00pm on a Tuesday (not a Wednesday in case of their being a football match on). Let's face it, after having counted to 100 and spent 6 years looking inside airing cupboards and behind curtains maybe those in the world that still give a shit should start thinking outside of the box, nay, outside of our atmosphere! We need Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum to go and have a look immediately.
It is inevitable that the press is once again going to adorn their front pages of old Maddie pics, assumed new Maddie pics, pic's with her and Elvis riding Shergar, etc. Upon investigation I was shocked to find this headline:
Yes, you're reading it correctly.... house prices are going up again. I thought we were out of the current recession and things were starting to look a bit more promising for first time buyers but it appears not.
Anyhoos, is she alive? Is she not? Is she in Portugal? Is she anywhere else? Is she actually playing hide & seek and it's got stupendously out of hand? Maybe we'll never know. Maybe we don't want to know. All I know is that (back in the day) Kate McCaan was quoted as saying "Madeleine was hard not to love." Aww sweet, although not someone you'd want to take to a restaurant and easy enough to leave unattended when she fucked off with her mates for dinner.
I'm off to do something more important, like acid bath the new Mumford album. But for now, in the words of the legend......
KEEP 'EM PEELED!
