12" 'DEEP' Pan, 'STUFFED' Crust

I am a man. I know there are a few out there that will contest this but it is true, I am a living breathing man. And as such I like Porn. There, said it.

I've recently been amused by some scut that somehow found it's way into my lap (so to speak), and that would be the world of Big Sausage Pizza.


The premise is a nice lady finds herself hungry. Not wanting to cook she opts for a pizza to be delivered to her house (I should point out that other fast food options are available). Said pizza is delivered, and upon arrival the delivery man sticks his 'John Thomas' right through the middle of it. (I haven't yet watched any of this so the reasons behind the food stuffs being penetrated are not clear but I will hazard a guess that she discovered a little too late that she had no money).

Straight from the off I'm having some problems with this (for the sake of  not knowing who reads this all pictures have been sympathetically censored):

 

• I've eaten freshly delivered pizza and have had the pleasure of experiencing both cheese and tomato Magma take the skin off the roof of my mouth. Judging by what the above gentleman has done I can only assume that the pizza is not at temperature. This is unacceptable... takeaway food should be delivered hot and ready to eat, this is obviously not and would result in a very stern phone call to the providing establishment.

 

• Where are the toppings? Not the slightest whiff of Pepperoni. Not the faintest guff of spicy beef. Nought to the onions and chilli. This is merely a rebranded cheese topped garlic bread and I would feel most unimpressed.

• What type of base is it... thin & crispy or deep pan? A cardboard box is involved so I'm guessing that the hole in this at least was pre-drilled. I'm a man of mammoth proportions (honest... just ask my mom) yet I would be hard pressed to roger my way through a box, a pizza base, and melted cheese in such a time frame that the Doris would still be pulling that face. If the hole was pre-drilled then the chap involved must have had every intention of putting himself on display by wearing a pizza around the hinge end. This upsets me as the lady in question may well have been looking forward to her tea and, quite frankly, it's now ruined.

 

• Was the lady given a stuffed crust? (and No, I don't mean the outside edge of the pizza)

 

• Does it come part of a meal deal whereby I can get a 2ltr bottle of Pepsi, 12 Onion rings and 'Slaw for £14.99

 

 

 

 

Another example of why I think the pizza was delivered at a less than desirable temperature... this fine filly has a whole tit in the cheese! If this was 'at temp' then the poor lass would now have a most tender of nip! On a side note it is nice to see a person happy in their work...  a pizza delivery man is not the most glamorous of jobs, so it's nice to see someone getting satisfaction in their chosen career.

 

Of course, if the researchers had done their jobs properly and the people behind this wanted proper authenticity then they would have realised that the pizza delivery men are all wrong, as everyone (in the UK) knows that pizza's are delivered by Pakistani's (sometimes while they are also being taxi drivers)

 

Anyways, I'm off to search the deepest darkest bowels of the Interpipes to look for some Fish, Chips 'n Mushy Peas type filth.

 

 

 

"Aint No Thing But A Chicken Wing"

So, you're apparently hip and trendy to wear your jeans like you A) cannot afford a belt, and B) have shit yourself. Now, clothes may 'maketh the man' but they don't necessarily complete the whole jigsaw. What you need is accessories. The day's of the chunky gold bracelet from Lizzy Duke @ Argos are behind us now... a new champion of tat must come forward! And come forward it has, in the shape of meat. Yes, meat. You can, for a sum ranging from paltry to "fucking how much" can adorn your neck with a boldly coloured chicken wing. You're not misreading here... A FUCKING CHICKEN WING!

This has apparently come about from some Tranny called Nicky Minge (or something like that) as shown here:

 

To be honest I'm not convinced that what is draped around it's neck is a chicken wing. I've eaten from all of the finer deep fried poultry establishments (including Chicken Cottage, Chicken Shed and Chicken Conservatory) and all I can see is a pink version of what an ill dog may knurl out on a hot day. The above mentioned mess will set you back around $70 apparently. If you're a bit more frugal and like your chicken jewellery looking a bit more chickeny then eBay may be your best choice, where for $14.50 (plus shipping) you can get your chuck on in a colour that chicken is not known for:

 

I suppose you could tell people that the red one is Tandoori.

 

But wait, haters gonna hate or maybe chicken aint yo thang? Never fear, for yet another ridiculous amount of wedge you can leave the chicken behind. You can go a different way. You can stand out in the meat related world of jewellery. You can go lean back. You can go smoked or unsmoked. You can go Bacon!

 

 

On the onchmovement site (google it because I can't be arsed to link to it) it's marketed as a Meatlace. The more I look at it the more I can't work out where the fuck you would wear it... out on the town with the lads will probably result in you being disowned. On a date with a ravishing beauty? Unless she has the same lack of taste as the tool wearing it then I suspect there will be no titty action and a lonely 'tommy tank' for you later.

 

As it's made of rubber it is actually Muslim friendly, yet if it was worn to a mosque for Friday prayers I suspect the funny side will not be seen.

 

There is other bacon related goodies to be had on the site, including streaky but I for one will not be wearing any of this shite.

 

Not until I can get a "2 sausage, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, mushrooms, black pud and fried bread" necklace with matching "tea & 2 toast" wrist cuff.