..... And We're Back!

Well, this has been deader than a Malaysian Airlines passenger of late but that was due to the spawning of my first born.

Anyway, normal service 'should' now commence.

What's In A Name

The time is near for my first Spawn to enter this world and claim mankind for himself.  But to do it professionally and without the intervention of QA he will need a name. Which of course he has, but it's "super duper top secret under wraps so stop fucking asking". But the net was cast on BookFace for peoples suggestions, and suggestions there was, some shit, some which took no effort what so ever and some not bad. As this blog is mine and I can do what he fuck I want I've compiled a list of some of the more powerful, impact idea's that were floated around and subsequently destroyed by my wife.

Before we kick off a special mention goes out to my BFAM, Richard Pitts who thrown in Raiden. This actually clicked with both myself and SWMBO even though it's obviously a character from Mortal Kombat and the title of one of my all time favourite SHMUP's. As awesome as the suggestion is, nameage has already been decided and ultimately we couldn't run the risk of never hearing the grating end of it, that being "I chose that you know, that was me, me, me, that was" spuming forth from the face of said Pitts'. Sorry dude.

Anyways, suggestions, starting of with an old favourite of mine:

• Agamemnon
• Agamemnon Bookshelf
• Bunty Sandstorm (suggested when it still could have been a girly)
• Axl
• Bal Apophis Anubis
• Juan LoveJoyBoxSet
• Bambos Iguanodon
• Theseus Palpatine
• Black Jesus
• Valhalla DeathGod
• Rage Vader

All strong, powerful suggestions, I think you'll agree, but winners they are not. In fact, until watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother last night I thought the winner was always going to be  Agamemnon. But no, a new heir to the title emerged. As much as I would like to take credit for the awesomeness that awesome is, that credit belongs to a character in a 'more hit than miss' 'Murrican TV Sitcom. And that winner is.......................................................................................

YES! Fuck You! I would (actually not) most probably call my first born son Vanilla Thunder. Under Awesome in the dictionary there would be a picture of his face.

So there you have it. Enjoy. I'm off to research Adopting African Babies so I can get him his brother, you know, Black Lightning!

Things I Hate #2: Registering For Shit

Straight off, this gets right on my tits and makes my fucking piss itch! I was on childcare.co.uk searching for a child-minder. Found one that sounded just what I was looking for so thought I'd ring her up (as per her instructions). No. Fucking No. You want that information? Then you've got to register for a free account (hey, it's all like quick and easy and shit!). Except it's not. You spend anything up to a whole 5 minutes filling out a generic form, but then cannot complete the initial phase as you have to consume at least 4 cans of Special Brew just to read what the fucking Captcha says. You eventually guess that the q was a g and you're in. Except you're not, because now you have to fuck off back to your email account to click on a link to verify the account you don't actually want so you can be taken back to the beginning so you can search all over again. So I did. I re-searched and found the child-minder that fitted the profile. I clicked on the ickle bit that says 'Phone Number' to be greeted with a bunch of xxxx'x.  You want that information... no problem, just upgrade the account you never fucking wanted in the first place to our GOLD account for £19.99 a month or the absolute cunting bargain of £99 a year and you can have access to the info you do want and a shit load of other bollocks you just have no interest in. All I wanted was a child-minders number, for fucks sake. Childcare.co.uk.... you absolutely, 100% suck balls. Because you do, in fact, suck balls.

..... See You After The Break.

It appears I can earn the big bucks just by updating this solid gold gem of a blog. Blogger lets me utilise AdSense which in turn (apparently) brings me wedge. What I find interesting is this little snippet from the Blogger / AdSense waffle:

AdSense serves relevant ads on your blogs:

AdSense works by matching text and image ads to your blog, based on your content and visitors. Ads are created and paid for by advertisers who want to promote their products.

 

 

LoL, based on the shite and offensive (to some) material I post on here I cannot wait to see what banner ads appear.

 

I find Ad's as annoying and unwanted as the next man so will only have them up for about a month.... I'm just curious to see what I get lumbered with. If for some strange reason something shows up that's actually appealing then please feel free to click on it and feed me coin of gold, you'll not here me complaining. Albeit I don't think an ad for shite fashion or tramp sex is gonna make me enough for chips and a battered sorgie, let alone enough to live in a house made of flange.

 

The Interwebs WTF! TOP 7 special.

It's been a while since this place saw any action. As much as I would like to say I was overseas Interfering in Syria I was just busy at work and getting ready for the impending arrival of my spawn. (plus I'm pretty sure the rest of the world is going to fuck Syria over enough without me getting in on it).

Anways, a few 'sights' have come my way which have been compiled by myself in a Fluff Freeman style Top 7 rundown.... no Top 10's here kids, no way... Top 7's are the future!

Anyways, without further ado...

Straight In At 7....... Wrong Direction....

Spotted in a bus shelter in Scotland, a movie poster for the film that literally no one wants. It get's my vote pop pickers as the term Spunk Trumpets has been successfully used.

 

 

Dropping 8 Places To 6.... Cod & Tits.......

 

You can almost smell the class and sophistication dripping from this lass, from the matching tribal butterflies (????) on the milkers to the slogan Sinfully Delicious, which is obviously describing the fish in between her ample udders. Points knocked off for spelling PLAICE as PLACE , as fish based tattoos go this is a winner. Wait, what... it's supposed to be a gentleman's love trumpet, a gorged cock? Nah, that's a fucking cod, no mistake!

 

 

Staying Steady At 5... What's Love Got To Do With It (Part 1)......

Allegedly taken at this years V-Festival, a young Herbert getting a nosh and quite frankly, on this day, NOT A FUCK WS GIVEN!

Up 2651 Places To 4... I Feel Like Chicken Tonight.....

No. No I don't.

Down 27 Places to 3.... What's Love Got To Do With It (Part 2)

There are so many thing wrong with this I'm not sure where to begin. From the baseball cap that the strip of piss young fella decided he must have even though it's a shade too big for his napper to the fact that I'm not actually sure that what he's romantically involved with is even female. If she is though there are two things I do know.... 1) that's one hell of a double stitched extra strong gusset on those hot pants that probably aren't hot pants at all but are normal denim shorts that have been sucked up into the recess of her sweet nethers, and 2) she appears to be wearing her Dad's shoes. Awesome.

 

 

Admittedly, Ted Robbins, aka Den Perry in Phoenix Nights has never looked better:

 

 

 Holding Fast In The Number 2 Slot (literally).... Shart Week...

 

Did it happen while she was putting the lottery on or bending down to get something from the box marked Treats or did she come out like it. Either way, she's sharted and I'm aroused.

 

 

 So, before we hit the number one spot, here a quick rundown of the other contenders:

 

SpunkTrumpetsTittyFishBlowJobUnChickenRomanceNotComingOutInTheWash.

 

Straight In At 1, The Top Spot Goes To.... What's Love Got To Do With It (Part 3)....

 

Even the 'Harold Ramps' need love and affection and these pair have it in spades. The 2ltr bottle of extra strength tramp juice is on the go, her shoes are off (she want's it!) and this Don Juan is going straight in for a 'Kit-Kat'

 

 

 

 





Another Movie That Need To Be Made.

One word.... KICKPUNCHER

Anyone familiar with the US comedy series Community will know what I'm on about. For those that don't watch this genius geek comedy, there is a fictitious movie franchise that exists with the show that some of the cast members watch, that franchise being KICKPUNCHER. The premise is simple, KICKPUNCHER is a police officer who has been cybernetically enhanced, so that his punches have the power of kicks.  He uses his new abilities to fight a syndicate of criminals who are pushing Mega Dope on the streets. That's it. It's definateley not Robocop or Robocop 2, honest. HONEST!.

As much as I want to see the first, I more so want to see the sequel, KICKPUNCHER 2, or to give it it's full and infinitely more awesome title.... KICKPUNCHER... CODE NAME: PUNCHKICKER

It's movies like this that beer and Saturday nights were made for.

Shark Week

The SyFy Channel recently had a surprise hit on their hands with this:

 

I've had the pleasure of watching this and can safely say that it is indeed shit. In the most awesome way possible. Read the reviews on IMDB and there are not many that score it below 10/10/ The acting is dire, the CGI is actually not as bad as you would think for a film of his ilk but is obviously nowhere near Cruises' Oblivion. Hell, this film has even got a classic line... a man is being devoured (off screen) by a shark and you here him say "Ow, Get Off". Genius. My missus hated every minute of this film. I didn't. Alongside a hefty stable of genre shark fodder (Two Headed Shark Attack, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, etc.) this has become a surprise hit, so much so that SyFy are apparently planning a sequel. Which of course has fired up the internets photoshoppers to produce some posters for what they think should be made, and to be honest, I would watch every single one of them.......

 

 

 

Now, as good as all these may be, nothing is going to beat Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus. For two of the most iconic giant shark related scenes ever in the history of giant shark scenes....

 

1. Said Shark takes on the Golden Gate Bridge, and
2. Said Shark leaves the water and brings down a passenger plane 

 

Could these be the most important movies ever made? Maybe. Will I actually get the missus to watch '2 Headed Shark Attack' with me? Gonna go with a NO on that one. What I do know though is I eagerly await to see what shite they come up with next. (and I'm secretly hoping for a space station to be involved!)

 

 

Oooooh Ahhh, Fashion.

I've made a few fashion faux pa's in the past. I've been the owner of a pair of snake print shoes. And white ones. And black Alligator patent ones. I had a pair of black velvet jeans. I was for all intense and purposes a ladies man.

But I don't get this current hipster shit. I understand it's where fashion has ended up for people with no taste and who want to look like twats. I can honestly say that if I ever went out dressed in some of the shit I see around today I would expect to have the shit kicked out of me. Unless I was going to see Frank Turner. Or my personal favourites, Mumford.

Some of you may not know what it's all about, but luckily a friend of mine bought a certain Henry Holland to my attention. Who? Well, he's some proper trendy as trendy can be chutney ferret who's currently in Vogue showing the masses what he's wearing for a whole month. If you can be bothered to suffer 31 days worth then here is where it's at:  http://www.vogue.co.uk/photo-blogs/henry-holland/henry-holland---day-2 ,but for those less inclined I've hand picked a couple of gems:

 

So what have we here... not just any old jeans chopped to make shorts, oh no, they're Ksubi ones!!! Yes, cut offs by someone you've never heard of which means they cost a fucking fortune. A Fendi backpack (one of at least 6 different backpacks by different designers that he owns), again, pricey for a rucksack, so much so I would probably be oFendi'd at the price (oh, stop me, I'm hilarious, etc,etc). Pop this together with a gaudy chunk of leather and you've gotten the 'Casual Friday' look. And to be honest, like a casual Friday I would very much like to fuck off early from looking at this monstrosity of an outfit any further.

 

Anyways, next on the menu we have this.....

 

 

 

Upon going to a garden party he thought he'd try to dress like a garden. Well, he may have tried to look like a garden but has successfully looked like a twat. Again, wearing items by people not stocked at Top Man, I suspect a Wonga.Com loan may not cover that suit. I do like where his head is at with the garden thing though, because like in a garden, I would very much like to plant him deep and throw a fucking conservatory over the top to make sure my eyes didn't have to suffer such sweat shop debacles again.

 

Again, I could go on all day, there are that many fashion items out there at the moment that make my piss itch. But no, for I am busy. I can't waste my time on here ranting about clothes I hate when I can be sourcing my next party outfit:

 

 

 Bitches' Gonna Love Me!!!

Like Farming.... It's Like Farming, But Not As It's Like Farming.

At this point you may be wondering what the fuck I am wittering on about. It's a Facebook thing whereby someone will put up a picture, usually asking for "If I get 1,000,000 likes my wife says I can fuck two 'strange' at the same time and she won't mind" or more recently (and even for me more low down WTF disturbing) using pics of cancer sufferers / people who have beaten cancer with the usual "Like = you have a heart, Share = you care, Ignore = you're evil and don't care".

So, this picture gets 123,456 likes and 23456 shares so the page owner sells the page, usually (apparently, from a bit of googling) from $1000 upwards. Buyer of page rebrands the page for his or her own means but the likes / shares stay in place so you could now be offering one of the free iPads that cannot be sold due to the box being undone but you must like and share the page, so the figures continue to go up and eventually the page gets resold and the "Like Farming" continues.

People fall for this shit on an hourly basis, being sucked in with piss poor sob stories and the promise of untold Apple related riches. To enable me to rip it to fucking pieces, lets have a look at one of the pictures that has recently done the rounds:

So, we have a brave fellow who has saved his 2 kids from an inferno. One tough cookie, you've got to agree. But I call bullshit. Why?........

1. He either cannot feel pain or refuses to as "Muthafucker Don Feel No Pain Ya Feelme!" He's covered in what we're supposed to believe to be serious burns but "Nobody Got Tiiiime For No Hospital". But he does have the time to pose for this pic with his kids.
2. It was obviously a directional fire at only a specific height as his Casio G-Shock in Arctic White is pristine.
3. Who's fucking kitchen is that? It was a blazing fire... but was it only blazing in one room or has he popped into the neighbours? "Wassup Neighbours"
4. His kids seem awfully pleased with what's just happened, so much so that one child is throwing gang signs. "Fuck Daddies Burns.... E-Street Corner Boyz"

Absolute crock of shit. And yes, like the statement, I ignored it because I actually do not fucking care.

Another gem that does the rounds is the Can I Get 1,000,000 Likes" pics. Why 1,000,000? It seems a little greedy... why not 10,000. Anyways, found this one lurking, it's straight to the point with no hidden agenda:

 

No, little girl, no you cannot.

 

 

These pics are everywhere on Facebook, and it still amuses me how many people i know who are on my timeline / newsfeed that actually fall for this shit day in, day out. I could prattle on all day about this but instead I'll leave you with one picture that basically sums it up:

 

 



 

The Breed Of My Seed

Quick 'teaser' movie poster for the impending arrival of the second most important child in the universe (the first obviously being Middleton's Lizard Prince)

Nothing Is Sacred If You're Not Mainstream.

I'm a fan of a particular music genre, particularly Metal, pretty much all forms of it, Battle, Industrial, etc. As such I dress a certain way, be it band t-shirts, band hoodies and my favourite... New Rock Boots. Some of you reading this will have no idea what the fuck i'm on about so to help you along here's a picture of my kicks:

Believe it or not they are very bloody comfy.

But it seems the norms are getting wind of such fashionable items. I say norms, what I mean is the stylists and management teams of plastic, manufactured, talentless, auto-tuned stars of modern popular musics. In particular that well know grouping of footballers jizzmops know as Little Mix.

At this point I couldn't name you a single ditty by the aforementioned, but what I did notice was this:

It would appear that a member of Pick 'n Mix is wearing a pair of New Rocks (it's the one on the end that thinks she's Amy Childs).  I'm curious to know if she actually has any idea who New Rock are? I'm going with a no.... she's manufactured so has most likely been told to wear them as they're different and soon all the kool kidz will want a pair (good luck with that 14yr old Tekquanda... they are not cheap!).

I could of course be wrong and she likes a dirty bit of Slayer. Her band mate is wearing a top depicting an upside down cross.... are they shedding their good girl image? Is a Little Mix thrash album en route? Probably not, unless they're told it will be good. Until then i'm sticking to some hardcore Mumford!

Hello..... Is It Me You're Looking For?

The back log has been caught up. Every single Cockney Blagger has been done up like a kipper and is now in chokey. All of the benefit cheats have been rounded up and let off as they have a bad foot and twenty kids and the drug dealers have had their stash confiscated and their knuckles rapped. How do I know this? Well the police have nowt to do / are a bit bored so have opened a fresh investigation into Madeleine McCann.

Yes, Madeleine McCann, the world Hide & Seek Champion is back in the media spotlight. Oh fucking joy. Is this down to the success story in the USA whereby the American members of Club Fritzl were found after 10 years or is it simply that Maddies parents have spunked all of the fund money and are now a bit brassic? I don't know and quite frankly the mysterious Vietnamese soldier, stuck in a jungle who doesn't yet know the Vietnam War is over would give more of a fuck about this current milking than me. But, lets say she is still alive... where is she and what would she look like. I've looked into this thoroughly using a high end set of protocols input into a dedicated program via an electronic super device capable of accessing all areas of the netpipes, or for the less geeky people out there I've used my computer at work to google some shit.

If she was still alive and in Portugal my theory is she would currently look like this:

 

I mean, it's warm and sunny in Portugal so why the fuck not?

 

 

 There have been lots of interpretations of what Maddie may look like now. Nobody has apparently seen her for 6 years so it's all guess work. But using the latest technology I have managed to find what I believe is the closest yet as to what the little spook looks like:

 

 

 

But is she in Portugal? Did Kate & Gerry off  her like Joe Pesci in Casino? Or is there a more sinister, dark force at work here? As much as I would (for no apparent reason) like Voodoo  and Ninja's to be involved, what if Maddie is not in a basement in Portugal.... what if Maddie is not even on the planet, as new intel just in assumes:

 

 

Yes, I'm talking Extra Terrestrials! And I can guarantee if this hot potato of a pic get's into the hands of the television production companies it's only a matter of hours before either Channels 4 or 5 have a 1 hour exclusive on at 8.00pm on a Tuesday (not a Wednesday in case of their being a football match on). Let's face it, after having counted to 100 and spent 6 years looking inside airing cupboards and behind curtains maybe those in the world that still give a shit should start thinking outside of the box, nay, outside of our atmosphere! We need Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum to go and have a look immediately.

It is inevitable that the press is once again going to adorn their front pages of old Maddie pics, assumed new Maddie pics, pic's with her and Elvis riding Shergar, etc. Upon investigation I was shocked to find this headline:

Yes, you're reading it correctly.... house prices are going up again. I thought we were out of the current recession and things were starting to look a bit more promising for first time buyers but it appears not.

Anyhoos, is she alive? Is she not? Is she in Portugal? Is she anywhere else? Is she actually playing hide & seek and it's got stupendously out of hand? Maybe we'll never know. Maybe we don't want to know. All I know is that (back in the day) Kate McCaan was quoted as saying "Madeleine was hard not to love." Aww sweet, although not someone you'd want to take to a restaurant and easy enough to leave unattended when she fucked off with her mates for dinner.

I'm off to do something more important, like acid bath the new Mumford album. But for now, in the words of the legend......

 

KEEP 'EM PEELED!

12" 'DEEP' Pan, 'STUFFED' Crust

I am a man. I know there are a few out there that will contest this but it is true, I am a living breathing man. And as such I like Porn. There, said it.

I've recently been amused by some scut that somehow found it's way into my lap (so to speak), and that would be the world of Big Sausage Pizza.


The premise is a nice lady finds herself hungry. Not wanting to cook she opts for a pizza to be delivered to her house (I should point out that other fast food options are available). Said pizza is delivered, and upon arrival the delivery man sticks his 'John Thomas' right through the middle of it. (I haven't yet watched any of this so the reasons behind the food stuffs being penetrated are not clear but I will hazard a guess that she discovered a little too late that she had no money).

Straight from the off I'm having some problems with this (for the sake of  not knowing who reads this all pictures have been sympathetically censored):

 

• I've eaten freshly delivered pizza and have had the pleasure of experiencing both cheese and tomato Magma take the skin off the roof of my mouth. Judging by what the above gentleman has done I can only assume that the pizza is not at temperature. This is unacceptable... takeaway food should be delivered hot and ready to eat, this is obviously not and would result in a very stern phone call to the providing establishment.

 

• Where are the toppings? Not the slightest whiff of Pepperoni. Not the faintest guff of spicy beef. Nought to the onions and chilli. This is merely a rebranded cheese topped garlic bread and I would feel most unimpressed.

• What type of base is it... thin & crispy or deep pan? A cardboard box is involved so I'm guessing that the hole in this at least was pre-drilled. I'm a man of mammoth proportions (honest... just ask my mom) yet I would be hard pressed to roger my way through a box, a pizza base, and melted cheese in such a time frame that the Doris would still be pulling that face. If the hole was pre-drilled then the chap involved must have had every intention of putting himself on display by wearing a pizza around the hinge end. This upsets me as the lady in question may well have been looking forward to her tea and, quite frankly, it's now ruined.

 

• Was the lady given a stuffed crust? (and No, I don't mean the outside edge of the pizza)

 

• Does it come part of a meal deal whereby I can get a 2ltr bottle of Pepsi, 12 Onion rings and 'Slaw for £14.99

 

 

 

 

Another example of why I think the pizza was delivered at a less than desirable temperature... this fine filly has a whole tit in the cheese! If this was 'at temp' then the poor lass would now have a most tender of nip! On a side note it is nice to see a person happy in their work...  a pizza delivery man is not the most glamorous of jobs, so it's nice to see someone getting satisfaction in their chosen career.

 

Of course, if the researchers had done their jobs properly and the people behind this wanted proper authenticity then they would have realised that the pizza delivery men are all wrong, as everyone (in the UK) knows that pizza's are delivered by Pakistani's (sometimes while they are also being taxi drivers)

 

Anyways, I'm off to search the deepest darkest bowels of the Interpipes to look for some Fish, Chips 'n Mushy Peas type filth.

 

 

 

"Aint No Thing But A Chicken Wing"

So, you're apparently hip and trendy to wear your jeans like you A) cannot afford a belt, and B) have shit yourself. Now, clothes may 'maketh the man' but they don't necessarily complete the whole jigsaw. What you need is accessories. The day's of the chunky gold bracelet from Lizzy Duke @ Argos are behind us now... a new champion of tat must come forward! And come forward it has, in the shape of meat. Yes, meat. You can, for a sum ranging from paltry to "fucking how much" can adorn your neck with a boldly coloured chicken wing. You're not misreading here... A FUCKING CHICKEN WING!

This has apparently come about from some Tranny called Nicky Minge (or something like that) as shown here:

 

To be honest I'm not convinced that what is draped around it's neck is a chicken wing. I've eaten from all of the finer deep fried poultry establishments (including Chicken Cottage, Chicken Shed and Chicken Conservatory) and all I can see is a pink version of what an ill dog may knurl out on a hot day. The above mentioned mess will set you back around $70 apparently. If you're a bit more frugal and like your chicken jewellery looking a bit more chickeny then eBay may be your best choice, where for $14.50 (plus shipping) you can get your chuck on in a colour that chicken is not known for:

 

I suppose you could tell people that the red one is Tandoori.

 

But wait, haters gonna hate or maybe chicken aint yo thang? Never fear, for yet another ridiculous amount of wedge you can leave the chicken behind. You can go a different way. You can stand out in the meat related world of jewellery. You can go lean back. You can go smoked or unsmoked. You can go Bacon!

 

 

On the onchmovement site (google it because I can't be arsed to link to it) it's marketed as a Meatlace. The more I look at it the more I can't work out where the fuck you would wear it... out on the town with the lads will probably result in you being disowned. On a date with a ravishing beauty? Unless she has the same lack of taste as the tool wearing it then I suspect there will be no titty action and a lonely 'tommy tank' for you later.

 

As it's made of rubber it is actually Muslim friendly, yet if it was worn to a mosque for Friday prayers I suspect the funny side will not be seen.

 

There is other bacon related goodies to be had on the site, including streaky but I for one will not be wearing any of this shite.

 

Not until I can get a "2 sausage, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, mushrooms, black pud and fried bread" necklace with matching "tea & 2 toast" wrist cuff.

 

 

 

 





The Youth Of Today... We Are Fucking Doomed!!

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Things I Hate #1: Mumford & Sons

Christ, where do I start on this bunch of fuckers! Lets kick off with appearance, they look like the Pikey's from Snatch and I definitely would not buy a caravan from them: 

But it gets worse... here we have them being quirky, wearing hats, especially the twatty yellow one and cool because they can wear shades. Apart from the one on the right who made no effort at all to be either quirky or cool but managed to pull off 'Snobby Ponce Who's Better Than You' quite nicely:

 

 

As soon as any musical drivel from these cuntnuggetts comes on the radio the station instantly gets changed (apart from the other day when in the car when I was unsure and asked the wife "is this fucking Mumford?").

 

Listening to this pap is apparently trendy so I will quite happily be untrendy as long as my ears don't have to put up with anymore of this cack. And anything by Frank Turner. Who is also fucking shite.

 

 

 

 

 



 

 



 



WHATSUP NEIGHBORS!

An old classic that still crack me up... if I was looking for a roomy then this is where I would be headed:

Just Shut Up And Get On With It For Fucks Sake!

Question: Why can't people in (mainly American) tv & movies get on with stuff instead of either pausing / not doing what they are supposed to be doing or chatting that much that their plan / situation goes to shit?

Apparently the answer is 'it creates suspense' but I honestly thing the correct answer is 'because it winds up impatient fuckers like you' (and by you I mean me. or possibly you)

Take for example the end of The Walking Dead: Season 3:

We see Andrea handcuffed to a chair with no apparent means of escape. Except some dude has slipped a pair of plyers near her feets. Dude gets stabbed and gets locked in the room with shackled Andrea... oh noes. But stabbed dude tells Andrea of said plyers and that she should get a wriggle on as I'm dying and if a die I'll come to eat you. After successfully being a girl and dropping the plyers Andrea finally gets to work on the chains of the handcuffs (would that even work? Plyers on a chain made so it's not easy to break/ I dunno).

Anyways, does she go at the task in hand with gusto, stopping for nothing, NOTHING, until she is free from her bounds? Does she fuck, she has a bash then stops and just looks at the dude slowly turning into the thing that's going to kill her. Another quick bash, another long look at what's going on, all the while with me shouting 'for fucks sake, just get on with it, Christ!'

Anyway, the fucker bit her and she died. Serves her right. Plus she was starting to get on my wick in general so no major loss there then.

Another classic example is the bad guy. Whoa, he's done it.. the bad guy has bested the good guy. the good guy is on the ground ladies & gentlemen and unarmed. It's gonna be an easy kill for the baddie. Except the bad guy will now start waffling on about all sorts of shit, giving the good guy time to compose, weapon up and in some case find that last bead of strength as he's just been informed as to what the bad guy is gonna do to his missus... and the good guy triumphs. Again, not a big fan, just get on with it and stop gloating.

I am going to cut some slack to one bunch of bad guy though, and that's these lot, Detroit's finest:

 

 

 

Ok, so there was some spiel, who can forget the legendary "cops don't like me, so I don't like cops. Nininininin" but at the end of the day they got on with it, got the job done and fucked up Murphy.

So, if you're in the middle of trying the fuck to get out of handcuffs before a zombie type bites you, looking at them is not going to get you out of your predicament any quicker.. focus! If you find you have shit kicked a good guy to the point where you hold the high ground and are armed... this will be the point where you finish them off and enjoy the spoils. You can gloat about it with your mates later in the pub.

Just fucking get on with it!!!!!!!!

SPAWN!

Well, it appears that a tad over my 43rdst birthday I will be joining the ranks of fatherhood. I've already had all of the sage advice thrown my way... "might as well burn your wallet now", "no more playing video games for you, hahaha", "well, that's your life over with then!". Solid stuff there, notes have been taken, thanks for that.

It's been a long time coming and has not been the easiest of journeys for both myself and La Wifey, but at the arse end of October, Shit Nuggett / Spawn Of Follett will be upon us. In the meantime, here's the 13week scan of El Nuggetino:

The Most Disturbing Image On The Intertubes....

... is quite possible this one of my face photoshopped onto Mena Suvari's body, ala American Beauty. It currently resides on my Facebook page but thought i'd put it on here to tantalize and excite you.

(thanks to Woody for the 'Shop skillage)

How Much Shipping!

Now and again on eBay a tool emerges. A tool of FAIL. A person who either knows precisely fuck all and thinks things are normal, or indeed knows exactly what they're doing in the hope of a gullible twat coming along who thinks everything is normal. For this example i'm going with the latter.

Lets say you're in the market for a Gothic, Dragon Shelf. Nothing of note on eBay UK so you check the International box to see if your shelf of dreams is elsewhere on the planet. And lo, it exists in the Good old US of A. So, you have a look at the listing... it's expensive, but dreams usually are. Shipping is reasonable for an item this size & weight / distance it has to travel. And for once an estimate on what the Customs are going to rape you for have also been included:

But you know the rules of eBay, you search like a searchy thing to find that dream a little bit cheaper. And cheaper it becomes until you look at what (in my opinion) is the most ambitious shipping cost i have ever seen........

 I emailed the seller, enquiring if they had made an error in the listing as the shipping cost made no sence. I also informed them that another seller was listing the same item and their shipping cost was only $54.63. The reply... "WHAT!!!! I couldn't even ship 2 blocks down for that fucking price"

Needless to say i didn't buy it.

Errrm, It's Friday!

Yep, that time of the week is upon us once again. That time where people all over the place start celebrating the end of the working week by posting annoying "WooHoo" pics to indicate to the peoples of the planet that the end of the week has once again been achieved. Ok, so i, like everyone else like Friday... it's the weekend, partay, etc, but i don't need a constant barrage of pics of a puppy doing an invisible high five that someone has meme'd 'Friday'all over the pic. Want me to get more excited over a picture of Friday? Ok then, here you go..... a picture of Friday:

 

 

Ok, so it's Pr0n Star Danni Friday. But, Friday non the less, and much more appealing than some talentless bint singing that "today is Friday because yesterday was Thursday and tomorrow is Saturday so by default today must be Friday" on the YouTubes.

 

But i don't want to come across as a hater of Fridays. I like the weekends and even i have shitty weeks whereby i 'thank fuck that's done with' at the end of the working week and relish in the weekend. So to keep it real, because WooHoo!!! It's Friday, here's a pic of an Uzi wielding dinosaur riding a shark.