WHATSUP NEIGHBORS!

An old classic that still crack me up... if I was looking for a roomy then this is where I would be headed:

Just Shut Up And Get On With It For Fucks Sake!

Question: Why can't people in (mainly American) tv & movies get on with stuff instead of either pausing / not doing what they are supposed to be doing or chatting that much that their plan / situation goes to shit?

Apparently the answer is 'it creates suspense' but I honestly thing the correct answer is 'because it winds up impatient fuckers like you' (and by you I mean me. or possibly you)

Take for example the end of The Walking Dead: Season 3:

We see Andrea handcuffed to a chair with no apparent means of escape. Except some dude has slipped a pair of plyers near her feets. Dude gets stabbed and gets locked in the room with shackled Andrea... oh noes. But stabbed dude tells Andrea of said plyers and that she should get a wriggle on as I'm dying and if a die I'll come to eat you. After successfully being a girl and dropping the plyers Andrea finally gets to work on the chains of the handcuffs (would that even work? Plyers on a chain made so it's not easy to break/ I dunno).

Anyways, does she go at the task in hand with gusto, stopping for nothing, NOTHING, until she is free from her bounds? Does she fuck, she has a bash then stops and just looks at the dude slowly turning into the thing that's going to kill her. Another quick bash, another long look at what's going on, all the while with me shouting 'for fucks sake, just get on with it, Christ!'

Anyway, the fucker bit her and she died. Serves her right. Plus she was starting to get on my wick in general so no major loss there then.

Another classic example is the bad guy. Whoa, he's done it.. the bad guy has bested the good guy. the good guy is on the ground ladies & gentlemen and unarmed. It's gonna be an easy kill for the baddie. Except the bad guy will now start waffling on about all sorts of shit, giving the good guy time to compose, weapon up and in some case find that last bead of strength as he's just been informed as to what the bad guy is gonna do to his missus... and the good guy triumphs. Again, not a big fan, just get on with it and stop gloating.

I am going to cut some slack to one bunch of bad guy though, and that's these lot, Detroit's finest:

 

 

 

Ok, so there was some spiel, who can forget the legendary "cops don't like me, so I don't like cops. Nininininin" but at the end of the day they got on with it, got the job done and fucked up Murphy.

So, if you're in the middle of trying the fuck to get out of handcuffs before a zombie type bites you, looking at them is not going to get you out of your predicament any quicker.. focus! If you find you have shit kicked a good guy to the point where you hold the high ground and are armed... this will be the point where you finish them off and enjoy the spoils. You can gloat about it with your mates later in the pub.

Just fucking get on with it!!!!!!!!

SPAWN!

Well, it appears that a tad over my 43rdst birthday I will be joining the ranks of fatherhood. I've already had all of the sage advice thrown my way... "might as well burn your wallet now", "no more playing video games for you, hahaha", "well, that's your life over with then!". Solid stuff there, notes have been taken, thanks for that.

It's been a long time coming and has not been the easiest of journeys for both myself and La Wifey, but at the arse end of October, Shit Nuggett / Spawn Of Follett will be upon us. In the meantime, here's the 13week scan of El Nuggetino:

The Most Disturbing Image On The Intertubes....

... is quite possible this one of my face photoshopped onto Mena Suvari's body, ala American Beauty. It currently resides on my Facebook page but thought i'd put it on here to tantalize and excite you.

(thanks to Woody for the 'Shop skillage)

How Much Shipping!

Now and again on eBay a tool emerges. A tool of FAIL. A person who either knows precisely fuck all and thinks things are normal, or indeed knows exactly what they're doing in the hope of a gullible twat coming along who thinks everything is normal. For this example i'm going with the latter.

Lets say you're in the market for a Gothic, Dragon Shelf. Nothing of note on eBay UK so you check the International box to see if your shelf of dreams is elsewhere on the planet. And lo, it exists in the Good old US of A. So, you have a look at the listing... it's expensive, but dreams usually are. Shipping is reasonable for an item this size & weight / distance it has to travel. And for once an estimate on what the Customs are going to rape you for have also been included:

But you know the rules of eBay, you search like a searchy thing to find that dream a little bit cheaper. And cheaper it becomes until you look at what (in my opinion) is the most ambitious shipping cost i have ever seen........

 I emailed the seller, enquiring if they had made an error in the listing as the shipping cost made no sence. I also informed them that another seller was listing the same item and their shipping cost was only $54.63. The reply... "WHAT!!!! I couldn't even ship 2 blocks down for that fucking price"

Needless to say i didn't buy it.

Errrm, It's Friday!

Yep, that time of the week is upon us once again. That time where people all over the place start celebrating the end of the working week by posting annoying "WooHoo" pics to indicate to the peoples of the planet that the end of the week has once again been achieved. Ok, so i, like everyone else like Friday... it's the weekend, partay, etc, but i don't need a constant barrage of pics of a puppy doing an invisible high five that someone has meme'd 'Friday'all over the pic. Want me to get more excited over a picture of Friday? Ok then, here you go..... a picture of Friday:

 

 

Ok, so it's Pr0n Star Danni Friday. But, Friday non the less, and much more appealing than some talentless bint singing that "today is Friday because yesterday was Thursday and tomorrow is Saturday so by default today must be Friday" on the YouTubes.

 

But i don't want to come across as a hater of Fridays. I like the weekends and even i have shitty weeks whereby i 'thank fuck that's done with' at the end of the working week and relish in the weekend. So to keep it real, because WooHoo!!! It's Friday, here's a pic of an Uzi wielding dinosaur riding a shark.

 

 

 

The Tao of Tim!

Who is Tim!? What is Tim!? Why is Tim!? Only Tim! has these answers. Myself, Matt, Big Dave and Richie "no longer VR" Whitehouse do not have the foggiest idea.

Twas a Saturday night and snow was on the ground. After a gentle hoof around Ely's bars we ventured into The Hereward, and (only because it was snowing / bastard cold and wasn't quite as full) secured a table.

Everything was running to plan, beers were being drunk, random conversations and banter were being exchanged and then Richie decided to go outside for a smoke, thus leaving his seat vulnerable to an attack. And attacked it was, not in a stealthy fashion mind, but a complete 'not a fuck was given' drunken plonk of a random person known only as Tim!

"Dafuq is this?" glances were passed, while Tim slumbered in his new chair. What happened next is not even a blur, therefore cannot be explained but something or someone startled Tim!. Out came his old style Nokia, which was quickly dismantled and repeatedly punched into the table. Much to our amusement. It was at this point that we decided to adopt said Tim! and ply him with Jaegerbombs. (Jaegerbombs were on the menu at some point in the evening, i think we used Tim! as an excuse to start on them earlier). So i trundled to the bar and secured a £30 round of the 'Bombs.

And that was that. I have no recollection of anything further that happened before we got back to my gaff, apart from Tim! was from Newmarket. Dunno if he was a Jockey.


*Matt was reported saying to my wife the next day "it was all going nicely, a few beers were being had.... then the fucking Jaegerbombs came out". I believe he was then sick.

Anyways, proof of the existence of Tim!...

WPC Clownshoe

So, you're being robbed. What do you do?* Take the blaggers on? Or dial 999 and risk getting sued?

Seems like the latter is the firm favourite as a member of the Lady Sweeney had a tumble at a petrol station and has lawyered up to rinse the owner. So, lets look at some stuff...



The area was poorly lit... so use your Mag-Light then love! I'm pretty sure all 'Five-O' carry them.

Or did it happen because Lady Po-Po was a tad portly and couldn't see the kerb due to 'paunch'? Surely carrying that gut, plus all of the required uniform / tactical gear she couldn't have been going fast enough to trip up anything

Glad to see there's a required fitness level to be a Cop in this country.

There may be a small glint of light at the end of the tunnel.... if the owner has CCTV footage of the 'trip' then he can stick it into You've Been Framed and get £250... it's not much but it's a bit off the overall bill.

Cats.

More importantly, pics of cats that make me either laugh or go WTF!  So here's one of each.

6 Less Drains On The System

So, some Jeremy Kyler and his missus completely fuck up a 'rescue attempt' and end up subjecting their 6 kids to a hot death / smokey chokey demise.

It's unfortunate but these things will happen if a proper plan is not in place.

Strategies need to be worked out, people need a clear understanding of their roles. Were QA informed? No. Did anyone perform a Risk Analysis? No. Was a 'dry run' performed to identify any potential issues / point out any areas for improvement? No.

It was doomed to fail from the start. Now, after looking at these people i'm going to guess that they could not have afforded an outside agency to come in and audit the whole scenario but i think a bit of basic Googling could have turned up some results that once implemented meant the plan may have succeeded. Fail To Plan And You Plan To Fail.

But saying that, was it such a bad thing that happened. I mean, look at them.... 6 little bastards who will inevitably throw out as many kids as is humanly fuckable to do and then suck as much handout as they can from the system. (i'm basing this on A) how the parents look / behave, and B) they all look like scrounging cunts).

Actually, the one in the footy top on the top right.... i reckon he was going to be the one who turned out ok, a.k.a, The Wildcard.

A Description Of The Title....

..... whenever i'm doing something at home, i ambitiously tell the wife "i'll be done by 2", whether this be flicking the vac round at 10.30am or possibly doing something i don't particularly want to do but like the quiet life at 13.55pm i'll always be done by 2.

Sometimes i miss this by a mile.

Anyways, there's a lot going on in this world, some of which amuses me, most of which annoys me. Facebook is only good for certain things, like sharing pictures and pressing '1' to see that nothing happens so i decided it's time for a place whereby i can let rip in whatever language i choose.

New blogs will be whenever, and wherever possible, I'll be Done By 2!